Love, Dating and Matchmaking....

As you probably can figure out, getting good Love, Dates and Marriages depends a great deal on getting the right two personalities together.

It's like weaving a tapestry with similar threads so that the colors look good together.

It's like putting a crisp white sail on a cobalt blue sailboat; things need to be complementary and work well together.

It's like trying to get a horse and a mule to pull a cart together...well..that wasn't so romantic but my father-in-law the Netzach says it all the time so it must be wisdom! That's what happens when the personalities clash, but let's save that for later in the blog!

In honor of Tu B'Av, the 15th of Av when the maidens would borrow gorgeous white clothing and go (appropriately mind you) dance for the men and many matches were made (See Gemara Taanis at the end) let's get a little bit into Love and Marriage.

If you are setting two people up for marriage, you need to have two personalities that mesh. Imagine two Hods working together to help others, like in the post I made "Meet the Hods" or even a Hod and Netzach getting along. They are all people who are caring and want to help others. They go well together.

And a Yisod and Tiferes? Gold. Love each other. Each one respects the other and doesn't give 'em a hard time. A Malchus and Gevurah? That can for sure work pretty often. They both are serious people who are tough-minded. I always tell Tifereses to try and marry Hods, they will be supportive of the Tifereses unique view of the world and their fluctuating schedule when they are creating.

Of course secondary middos can change things, like a Yisod-Gevurah and a Tiferes-Hod will rub each other the wrong way usually. Or if that Malchus is a Malchus-Hod he may not want to wed a Gevurah-Gevurah or a Gevurah-Malchus. But let's stick with the primary middos and save the more complicated stuff for the book.

Cheseds can get along great because they think alike, you just have to look at their second middos to see if they'll go well together. Chesed-Tiferes and Chesed-Hod? Good stuff. But a Chesed-Tiferes and a Chesed-Gevurah? That is not recommended so much......

So if you are a true shadchan (or as my still single friend calls them "Shotgun") or amateur matchmakers: studyup!* The Seven Ways makes this whole process much easier. Think about who you know. What is their personality?

Complementary personalities are great and similar ones work very well, too. But extreme opposites and people who really detract from each other, I mean like hurt each other and step on each other's toes (maybe smash their toes is better verb) should not be set up. If you or your friend have had a really bad date, it probably had to do with the personalities involved.

Of course you have to use your brain and check out who you are setting up on many more levels (if they have a way to support themselves, character traits like generosity and anger), but the Seven Ways guidelines for matches can get people better dates and help marriages even. But I guess marriage is destined for a future blog!

Rabbi B

*These two words are intentionally put together for all you grammar lovers, but any other constructive caring advice is always welcome.

Part 2: Intelligent Netzach Questions

As for your second question: Yes, there are ways to tell if someone is a Chesed besides process of elimination. Cheseds have qualities that are specific to their personality. They are fans of The System (those societal and cultural norms and rules that people subscribe to) and like to follow it. They trust what society teaches and are naturally inclined to follow leaders. (Yes they, too, can be leaders; we’ll speak about that in a sec.)

When your average Chesed speaks, he will sound slightly different than a Gevurah, though Gevurahs also follow The System. A Gevurah’s following of The System is much more intense.

If a Chesed saw his classmate about to leave school early he would say “What’s going on? We’re supposed to go to Rabbi Silverman’s class at one-o’-clock” while a Gevurah would say “Where are you going?! We’re supposed to go to class now!” It has more of a tough-minded sound and feel to it. He may not yell (though some Gevurahs can be loud) but he’ll have a certain resolve and seriousness in their voice that Cheseds don’t have.

Yes, you may find Cheseds saying what Gevurahs usually say, the exact wording is not the way to tell who is who. Listen closely to the intonation of the person’s voice and the unspoken message behind what he is saying. Is he simply, politely sounds like he’s saying “The System (i.e. going to class) is what we are supposed to do” then he’s a Chesed. If he firmly sounds like he’s saying “How could you not obey The System?! It’s what people do!” that’s Gevurah all the way.

Cheseds also enjoy simpler, 9 to 5 type jobs and the main sphere of life that they like to spend time in is at home. Their immediate family is their life. Other personalities naturally have different takes on this topic. A Netzach views his family as his family but he may view his students as a second family. Yisods tend to compartmentalize their lives and view family as a wonderful part of their life, but they allot specific time for it just like they allot time for their job. All three of these types love their families, but Cheseds plan all of their trips with and naturally spend the vast majority of their time with their families. Their natural inclination is towards going home and staying there.

Cheseds, as I mentioned, naturally follow their society’s leaders. That’s not to say that Cheseds cannot become leaders. Cheseds have the unique ability to mold themselves into who they want to be so they *can* mold themselves into being leaders, as well. And even if they are leaders they inevitably study up on what a leader would do in their situation; they can’t always think of the right way to lead and solve their System’s problems. So you will inevitably hear them quote what other skilled and/or famous people have done and how the Chesed has patterned himself after those methodologies. Later Cheseds especially are able to take on leadership roles, they get this from Avraham Avinu, who “walked in front of Hashem”, as opposed to Noah who only “walked with Hashem” (1). And Later Cheseds lead me to your 3^rd question…

You mentioned that Cheseds make up 50% of the Jewish population and you brought up that knowing a Chesed’s secondary Middah must be essential. These are true, but I must clarify for you.

The category of “Earlier Cheseds” is made up of anyone with the Chesed-Chesed personality, and ‘Later Cheseds” includes Chesed-Gevurah, Chesed-Tiferes…all the way down to Chesed-Malchus. (Because of your question I have reinstituted this explanation in the sidebar on the right side of the page.) Though I consider both Later and Earlier Cheseds to be true Cheseds, Later Cheseds exhibit slightly different qualities. Most of them are much more preoccupied with being organized than Earlier Cheseds and all of them enjoy order. They enjoy efficiency, things running on time, knowing logistically how to travel somewhere or how a new gadget functions. They still subscribe to The System as Cheseds but they enjoy order and organization much more.

And one last thing…yes 50% of Jews are Cheseds but 50% of those are Later Cheseds. In other words, ¼ of Jewish people are Chesed-Chesed and ¼ Later Cheseds. I haven’t dealt with percentages yet in this blog, but because you wrote such a good question and, also, because you are becoming so well informed about The Seven Ways I am happy to bring it up it here.

I hope my email/blog finds you well and that I have answered your questions to the best of my knowledge. May you be continually blessed with the light of Torah and merit to understand people as well as you understand the words of our sages.

Ian Bailey, Jerusalem תשס"ח

(1) Tanchuma Noach 5, Bereishis Rabbah 30:10

Responsa #2: Intelligent Questions from an Intelligent Netzach

My good friend and colleague Reb Daniel Chaim Fast, Shlitah, your email reached me at 6:35 am this morning, the 12^th of Sivan תשס"ח Sunday June 15^th, Fathers Day on the secular calendar(*) it warmed my heart to hear your wonderful questions. I will try my best to answer them in the style of our Torah, first question first, the last one last.

I am splitting this response into a couple of blogs so they don’t get too long.

You wrote:

3 questions:

(1) Are middos raos (bad character traits/patterns of actions) such as ca'as/anger, kina/jealousy, tayva/desire for physical pleasures, cavod/desire for honor, etc. found more in specific personalities, or are they totally independent?

(2) How does one tell a Chesed, aside from process of elimination?

(3) Seeing that approximately half the world are Chesed personalities, it would seem to be extremely important to know specifically
about the particulars of each secondary
midah for Cheseds. Which secondary middos make a "Later Chesed"?

(1) Yes, certain personalities are more susceptible to certain bad character traits and challenges. Let's go through the ones you listed.

Caas/Anger: I've found that *pure* anger, as in impatience, irritability and hostility is found in Malchus people and many Gevurahs (When we say a certain personality like ‘Malchus’ we also mean to include many people whose 2nd Middah is Malchus). These are the two aggressive personalities. They get very upset when they think that people are messing with The System (those societal and cultural norms and rules that the general populace subscribe to.)

Malchus people can't understand why in the world you don't think the way they do. They live in a very cerebral world and their cerebrum in the one that counts!

Gevurahs view themselves as the defenders of The System and most get angry when they see a breach in The System.

Don’t get me wrong, every personality gets angry, but that anger is more of an 'irk' than real rage. For example, Hods feel upset when they see people taking advantage of others, Tifereses when they feel others are being mean or ruining a perfectly happy experience that they are going through; Netzachs get pretty upset when they see people destroying morality or blatantly violating sacred things.

Yisods get mad when they see inefficiency in an organization or when they feel that not everyone is getting a change to interact with each other or exchange ideas (i.e. one selfish person is hogging the conversation), and, finally, Cheseds usually only get mad at the normal things people get mad in every day life (like annoying coworkers, family, traffic, etc.)

As for jealousy, I’ve found that Tiferes and Chesed people suffer from this Middah Raah the most. Cheseds (especially Earlier Cheseds) are jealous of people who have unique talents, but they need to realize that they are able to mold themselves into who they want to be so, in the end, they can become the very person who they are jealous of. Tifereses are jealous and I’m still trying to fully understand why. I myself am not a Tiferes of Chesed so this jealousy seems a bit foreign to me. But I think that a Tiferes’ powerful imagination can put them in another person’s shoes and they become jealous that they can’t be that person. Also, “a craftsman only hates people in his own craft”, so Tiferes people become very jealous when they have competition in the field that they are creative in.

Listen, any person or personality has the ability to be jealous. A Yisod director gets jealous and nervous when another Yisod starts working is his office. The point is that we’re usually jealous when we want something we don’t have and we feel like we deserve that thing or it’s part of our lot in life.

Yisods *by far* are the ones who suffer from the desire for physical pleasures. They have so much natural raw energy that drives them that enjoying physical pleasure comes naturally to them. The problem is when they take it to far and overindulge. Tifereses are second, followed by Hods. Tifereses enjoy physical pleasure and often use it to stimulate their creative juices. And Hods are so emotional that food makes their body feel good, especially when they’re upset.

Malchuses and Gevurahs desire honor much more that any other personality. I would assume that you find them in the anger and honor categories because these two negative character traits are related. If I feel like I’m so great that no one should step on me and everyone should think I’m the best (honor/ full of myself) then I’ll probably be very upset (anger) when people put me down and try to step on me. Rambam lists them as two traits that a person must not have any bit of.

In others words, you are absolutely right. Each personality is susceptible to it’s own unique set of challenges. That’s why it’s sooooooooo important for you to know yourself, so you can know your challenges and be able to conquer them.

Next week is part #2 of this responsa, stay tuned!

(*) I am writing this response in the style of our great rabbis and Torah sages.

Responsa #1: A Naturopathic Tiferes

Our first question comes to us from a Tiferes-Hod who is in medical school to become a naturopathic doctor. He writes:

How does one determine their 2nd Sfirah? Is it like astrology, where the sun is who you truly are and your rising is people's first impression of you?

Josh

First of all, I love your question because it is *sooooooooooo* Tiferes ;-) . It's clear that you have a curious mind and have studied up on various systems of understanding people and life. That's great. You'll enjoy The Seven Ways system.


Second, I must admit that I'm not well versed in astrology, so I can't directly address the second part of your question about rising suns (though there are actually various Torah sources for different constellations and "Mazalos" "cosmic destinies" that people have), but I can help you better understand how to figure out what your/other people's second Middas/Sfiros are.



And-hello!-by the way, it's sooooooooo important to know your second Sfirah. Like, let's say you're trying to get married and you are a Hod and your prospective date is a Netzach. Sounds promising, right? You care about people he/she cares about them, too, and wants to educate them. Works out very well and is a recommended, complimentary match, right? It is......


Unless your second Middah is Tiferes and their's is Gevurah! That could be a *big* *huge* conflict zone. Tiferes and Gevurah rarely mesh very well. It's worth a date or maybe two but you can't encourage those people to keep dating if they aren't getting along in those areas. While your Tiferes side is making jokes, their Gevurah wants to talk business and finds it annoying. Where his/her Gevurah side wants to suddenly an firmly end things on time, your Tiferes may be enjoying itself and want to go over time. Could be very, very not good.



So, the answer is to know yourself. As we've been discussing in the Sfiros Haomer combinations, someone's personality is made up of a combo of two different Sfiros.



Remember Hod-Yisod? A Hod-Yisod makes deep relationships (Yisod) with people through helping them (Hod). He invents active, innovative (Yisod) ideas to heal (Hod) people. But it can be really tough to figure that out by looking at someone, especially when a person could be any one of 49 combos!



So the easiest method that will get you to understand people most of the time is to pick up on different patterns or significant actions in their behavior. Doctor Josh, you should dissect their actions; break them down into parts until you can see each component as a slice of one of the Seven Ways.



Let's take *you*, Josh, a Tiferes-Hod. You will have *all* of the characteristics of a Tiferes and *some* of a Hod. You probably have certain creative activities that you like to do like writing poetry or stories and doing art and (possibly) gardening. The choice to become a naturopathic doctor is also clearly a Tiferes choice. It has elements of the hippy and natural side that many Tifereses have. These are Tiferes components that you must isolate in your personality.


In terms ofHod, I suspect that you like the idea of being a doctor so you can care for others and heal them. You are probably sweet and kind and want the best for others. You often, but not always, find yourself listening to others' problems and empathizing with them. These are hod components.


But maybe you're Hod-Tiferes? How do you know which one to put where?



Take a look at your *main character*. That's your first Sfirah/Middah. You have *all* of the characteristics of a Tiferes. But what you *specialize* in, that's your secondary Sfirah. You will have *some* of the characteristics of a Hod. You aren't always running to help people, it's only part of your life.



I suggest that you also study a bit of art therapy which is an idea based on Tiferes-Hod. To use art to heal. This may become a nice part of your practice as you heal people physically and emotionally. (Maybe get a bit of training in counseling, too.)




So, Josh, to sum it all up, you will know what your secondary Middah is because you will have some of the characteristics of that personality, and it's the area that you specialize in, though it's not your main character.



I wish you the best of luck and keep on sending us your questions so we can help you find your Way.


Best wishes,


Rabbi Bailey

Let's Hear From *YOU!*

I hope you enjoyed the Sfiros combinations that I wrote the past few weeks. Let me know

#1 if you liked the combos enough to want to read more about them in a future book



#2 If you have any questions on The Seven Ways that you would like me to answer


It's time to hear from *YOU*!

Aside from each of the 49 combinations making a distinct personality, each of the 49 represent a certain idea. An amazing combo is Tiferes ShebMalchus (Malchus-Tiferes).



While Malchus represents kingship or government, Tiferes is art and beauty. The beauty we find in Malchus has two forms.



Initially, it's the idea of Patriotism, namely, that someone will find beauty in his country. Dissected, the word means the ideology (-ism) of the fatherland (Patria/o), the good attitude and dedicated participation that people have for their homeland. The wonderfulness (Tiferes) people find in their country (Malchus).*




Well, in our day and age yes many people are patriotic but there probably more people interested in other organizations. I'd say that people often find that patriotism participating in Judaism (or gentiles in their religions) or a social group or a group that is even anti-government (Ironic, right, to make a group though you think groups are bad?). But in any event people find it incredible to be part of something bigger than themselves and they enjoy it immensely.




The other side of Malchus-Tiferes is where Tiferes is being *used* for Malchus versus being *utilized* for it. In other words, when Malchus and Tiferes are working together cohesively they can give a person a healthy sense of patriotism. But when Tiferes is subservient to Malchus and the two are disparate, you get Propaganda. Propaganda is the use of Tiferes art, song, cartoons, etc. to compel you to like the government.




I believe that a Malchus-Tiferes example was a man who started out as a painter and ended up the cruel dictator that brought us the tragedies in WWII. He used propaganda to instill an unhealthy sense of patriotism in his country and brainwashed them into doing awful things. Germans even called their country the "Father Land" unlike other countries who used the phrase Mother Land."




But the ultimate Malchus kingship is obviously from Hashem, our G-d. These 49 are "His Middos" "His patterns of action" in this world, so therefore one idea that we must ingrain in ourselves is to have patriotism for Him; to find beauty in having a G-d and to want to be in His country and live by His rules.



May you feel patriotism for you true country and Melech,



Rabbi Bailey




*I'm wondering here if 'fatherland' simply means 'the land that your father came from' or if it has more Malchus connotations like 'the land I feel like the leader is my father' or 'my king is my father.'

Let me know if you find some more advanced etymological info.

Yisod ShebHod

Yisod ShebHod (Hod-Yisod) is a very interesting combination.


Whereas Hod in The Seven Ways means to help others, Yisod means to connect or interact with.


How is Yisod found within Hod? How is connection or relationship found within helping?


An interesting phenomena is created when you helps someone. You can actually connect with them and can become good friends and, depending on how much you help them and what there gender is, you can even fall in love with them. Interesting right?


In colloquial terms it's called the "Florence Nightingale Effect." Though it's not a true medical syndrome, the Nightingale Effect is a psychological complex that is named after a very proficient and skilled nurse. Such nurses are susceptible to falling in love with the people that they are healing. Oddly enough, the nurse herself isn't known to have fallen in love with anyone, she's just a famous nurse.


That's the relationship within helping, the Yisod-ShebHod


Rabbi B

Gevurah ShebNetzach Part II

I mentioned in the last post that Gevurah ShebNetzach tells us that sometimes we *shouldn't* teach people. Well, I should really mention that the Gevurah ShebNetzach personality is quite the same.



Someone who is Gevurah ShebNetzach will want to educate people. Perhaps they will want to be a rabbi or a doctor. If he's a rabbi his Gevurah will propel him to spend more time studying to make sure that he understands all of his rabbinic material. If he's a doctor, his Gevurah will nudge him to take more time to master his material or perhaps specialize in a second field. In other words, he will properly use his Gevurah to be self-preserving and improve himself. Well, if his Gevurah is healthy that is.



However, if his Gevurah (or Netzach for that matter) isn't healthy he may avoid teaching and focus on him self. He may keep studying and studying without any teaching job in sight. He may shoot arguments and excuses (i.e Gevurah attacks) as to why he shouldn't practice medicine yet; that he needs more time and it wouldn't be fair to his patients if he began practicing now. It's really just an excuse to be selfish and to misuse his special personality.



However, some arguments may be coming from the healthy Gevurah *or* the unhealthy brand, it all depends on who's saying it and when. A rabbinic student may argue that moving out of his home town into a smaller Jewish community is dangerous for his family. How could I risk living in a city with less of a religious structure for my kids? they'll argue. Good logic isn't it? The other side of a Gevurah ShebNetzach may argue that I have studied so much Torah (Netzach) and got such a clear, organized understanding of it (Gevurah) and worked on myself (insert any one of the Seven Ways here) so much that it's really time to give. But maybe he's wrong?



Which argument is right? In reality, they are both correct. It just depends on who's saying it and when.



May G-d give you the wisdom to know how to use your personality and send you the right people to guide you long your unique Way.



Rabbi Ian

Gevurah ShebnNetzach

Netzach week has started!


Gevurah ShebNetzach is a very interesting combination. While Chesed ShebNetzach is unmitigated Netzach ie the drive to educate and help everyone (Netzach-educate, Chesed-No boundaries), like when Moshe went out to see his brethren "Vayar Bsivlosam) "He went out to see their suffering" (Shemos 2:11).



Gevurah ShebnNetzach is the opposite. Its when *NOT* to teach/help. Like when Rebbe Ze'ira the Gemara (Makkos 10a) says that you shouldn't teach a student that isn't fit to be taught (i.e. he's a heretic, viscous, or just plain a shmegger).



And if you do teach him Rebbe Zeira says in the name of Rav (Chulin 133a) that it's like you threw a stone at a Markulis idol that's how they used to serve it, but the idea I think is maybe you think you are doing something so great but you are doing something so empty, ask me about this idea I have a few cool sources on it).



Gevurah ShebnNetzach gives Moshe the right to throw down the two tablets, because the Jewish people weren't fit for the Torah.


Our first challenge in life is to train ourselve to want to educate and help others. We have to do quite a bit of that, that's clear. But sometimes, it's good to hold yourself back from educating and helping people. For their sake and your own. They may abuse the Torah and you may be to tired to teach.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to use that Gevurah to hold yourself back from doing ostensibly god things believe it or not.

May we all merit to educate and help others and know when to take a rest.

Rabbi Bailey

Sfiras HaOmer: Malchus ShebGevurah

I have been getting quite a few questions as to the deeper meaning of the Sfiros combinations that appear under the Sfiros HaOmer (the 49-day counting from the second day of Pesach to Shavuos) in the Siddur (prayer book). I wanted to put a taste on your tongue of what one of these combination means.



Today is Malchus ShebGevurah. (This means the combination of Gevurah-Malchus, the *Malchus within Gevurah*). What is the Malchus that you find within Gevurah; the "Kindship" or "Kingliness" that you may find in "strength"?




If you recall, in the Bailey Blog's first post "Gevurah Unleashed" we mentioned that there are two sides to the idea of Gevurah that are much deeper than the simple translation "strength". We said that Gevurah can man "to attack" or "to hold one's self back from doing something" (i.e. to not attack). Most people would think that someone who attacks others would be a true mighty person, forcing others to obey his will so he can be king over them (Gevurah-Malchus). But really, very often, the opposite is true.




Often, we greatly respect someone who is in total control of himself. Someone who is in full control of what he eats and what his body does; in full control of what he spends his money on and what comes out of his mouth. It's self-discipline and poise wrapped together. Those type of people often have a great following. The martial arts master (Mr. Miyagi anyone? Splinter?) that everyone respects. They respect him not because he beat people up (Shredder, Crang, etc.) but because he controls every movement of his body and because he doesn't have to beat up everyone to be powerful. (They always tried to tie people up and not kill them.) People want to emulate him. The self-master has a certain kingship over his followers.




The greatest and most effective control is the control we exercise over ourselves. When we try to control or attack others we won't always win and almost always fail. When we try to control ourselves, we always win. It's the inward Gevurah that triumphs.



Rabbi B

Two Doctors and a Rabbi: A Jewish Mother's Dream

Last week, my family and I enjoyed a wonderful Pesach. The Matza was cracking, the wine bubbling, and the roast melting as it hit my tongue. The singing was so special that our neighbors were enjoying it and the words of Torah flowed like a Tiberian spring.

One of my personal highlights was hosting two charming young men for several of the scrumptious Yom Tov meals. One was a Tiferes and on an Earlier Chesed, that was clear to me. But, I soon discovered, both of them were studying to become physicians, a job that seems to be a very Netzach profession. How could that be? Doesn’t it say that on the side of the Bailey Blog that Doctors are Netzachs? Did Rabbi Bailey forget his whole system over Passover? Were the four cups just one to many for him? The answer lies in their Secondary and Tertiary personalities.

A person’s complete Seven Ways personality has three layers. Someone can be a Chesed-Chesed-Tiferes by fitting the description on the Blog of and Earlier Chesed and have a bit of Tiferes music or writing in him hidden somewhere deep inside. Someone can also be Chesed-Chesed-Netzach and get some of the Netzach memory and care in his personality. That was the first guest at my Yom Tov table. He was a sweet person who enjoyed the 9-5 life but he had a great memory and used it for his med school studies (and he shared some nice words of Torah from memory as well!). The other guest was, yes, a Tiferes but his secondary personality was also Netzach. They both excelled in a Netzach-style endeavor using Netzach, but had room for their own flair.

So this means that not every doctor (or rabbi for that matter) is a Netzach (that’s why I wrote “many of them” on the side of the Blog J ), but if you want to be a doctor you have to act like a Netzach. You have to remember lots of stuff and have some sort of care for other people. And not every Netzach is a doctor, either. They may become rabbis, accountants, nurses (a male nurse?!) or teachers. But in order to stay happy they need to make sure that they are utilizing each part of their personality.

These two young men will make outstanding doctors, I have no doubt. I give you a blessing that you will find the right way for yourself and your personality in these days leading up to the holiday of Shavuos, where each day is another combination of the seven ways.

Rabbi Bailey

Paroh: King Over Nothing

I promised you a blog about Paroh and Malchus so here it goes.



We know that Paroh was in charge of Egypt at the time of the Exodus, but it’s important to know that he was a very particular type of ruler.



The Gemara in Moed Katan (18a) describes Paroh as being about a cubit tall (about a foot and a half--*Right*, what’s a cubit?) and he had a beard that was also a cubit and a *parmishask*--which we are going to translate as a sword (email me for why) -- that was a cubit and a half long.



If Paroh was so short, why didn’t someone just step on him and get rid of the evil man? And can people really survive living that small?



I think that perhaps this description of Paroh is not description of his body but a description of his character. Lemme explain.

Psychologically speaking, when someone is small (whether it be physically or emotionally) they can end up compensating for their challenge by asserting themselves over other people. Was Paroh really that short? It could be, but that’s not the point. The point is that the Sages wrote this Gemara in order to tell us that even though Paroh was a powerful leader, he was just a little man inside. And his beard? In ancient Egypt, the kings wore a beard as a sign of dominance* and Paroh’s sword is a clear symbol of militaristic dominance. He was a very, very unhealthy Malchus.

Malchus people are strong-willed, determined leaders who can’t imagine how anyone could possibly think differently than they do. While a Gevurah will get upset with you for not obeying the rules, a Malchus will be unable to comprehend how you could deviate from *his* rules. A healthy Malchus will come along and use his determination and leadership skills for serving the public, just as King David (who is the prototype for Malchus) did. But an unhealthy Malchus will be selfish and cruel; paranoid and sadistic.


Look at the way Paroh speaks about the Jewish people. When Moshe comes to Paroh and tells him the famous ‘Let My people go!’ because they are crying out from the pain, Paroh cuts off the grain supply to help build the brick and says

They are weaklings! That’s why they cry out…weaklings, you are weaklings that’s why you say ‘Let us go and offer to the Lord’

Sadistic, totally using his mind to not understand the emotional plight of the Jews. And the whole enslavement started with him doing what paranoid rulers tend to do. As the Jewish people grew in number he said

to his nation, “Behold! The Nation of The Children of Israel is massive and very fortified. Let us come and outsmart [the Nation] lest they increase and call for war and be added onto our enemies and war with us and kick us out of the land.


I believe that Hitlr essentially began his sick plan with similar speeches. He condemned the Jews and other groups of ruining his country and damaging the economy.

Ultimately, it was because Paroh bit off more than he could chew that he lost. Though his beard was commensurate with his size, his sword wasn’t. It was too big. He got to full of himself. “Anyone who is high with arrogance in the end will be lowered down…Any person who is inflated with arrogance in the end will be made small” (Sotah, from Rav Avira and Rav Ashi). Paroh fell and he fell hard. Within a year the 10 plagues had pummeled him and his nation. He went from being on top of the world to running around like a fool in the middle of the night begging Moshe to take the Jewish people out of Egypt.



He was so wicked that G-d took away his free will in order to teach mankind a lesson (see Rambam Hilchos Teshuvah 6:3). We don’t have to go far to see the murder and destruction that unhealthy Malchuses have done in just the past 100 years.



I bless you that you will get a taste of some Malchus during Pesach holiday and that the Moshach should come and, as a manifestation of Malchus on this Earth, restore peace in this world. Then, and only then, will we see the true Malchus from above.



* I must also mention another interpretation that I had. In the Torah (see Gemara Kiddushin), the beard symbolizes wisdom. Perhaps the Gemara is saying that he was very, very wise in his dominance over Egypt. He did fool them into thinking he was a god and the very next Gemara in Moed Katan says that Paroh was a Magician so perhaps the two go hand in hand.

Achashverosh Learned His Lesson, didn't he?

It's always bothered me that at the end of the Megillah we read about Achashverosh levying taxes on his countries (and even the small islands, too, don’t forget them!).


Why do we have to hear about that? Did we hear about how Achashverosh built sewer systems or what he ate for breakfast? (Probably bacon and eggs.)


I mean, right after the taxes thing the Megillah tells you to go read about the rest of Achashverosh’s deeds in the history books of Persia. Why not put the taxes thing in the history books and save the Megillah reader and all of the hungry listeners from having to wait longer to finish the Megillah?!


The answer has a lot to do with the last blog that I blogged.



Last blog I mentioned that Achashverosh was a Yisod leader. He wanted everyone to be happy and speak his own language and live in a multicultural world where everything goes. We also mentioned that this Yisod multiculturalism was a sort of openness that opened the door for Haman (boo!) to come in and cause trouble.



I think that we hear about these Achashverosh's taxes because after Achashverosh saw what a terrible man Haman was he realized that he needed to clamp down on his kingdom a little bit. He realized that being too open and not showing his kingly power can be very detrimental. The taxes were a way for him to assert himself over his people through a normal type of royal edict.



This one small line in the Megillah is also a powerful lesson us. We must let our children and our students know that not everything goes. Yes we must help them be themselves and grow and find their own identity the same way that Yisod people allow others to be themselves. But it’s good for children and students to know that not everything goes. They should know that there is someone above them and that they can’t be selfish or overly aggressive or power hungry like Haman. A little bit of Malchus in our lives is good for us.



Ultimately, Malchus that is manifest in this world is a minute representation of the Malchus of Hashem that is Above. Purim is a time to recognize that the Malchus is still there even though it his hidden from us.



Happy Purim, and may we soon see the final redemption and true Malchus in our world.

What's Achashverosh's Personality?

To get into the Purim spirit, I want to blog a bit about the personality of one of the main characters in the Book of Esther, the Megillah that we read on the holiday of Purim.

In general, the seven personalities in The Seven Ways are learned out from the Ushpizin (Avraham, Yiztchak, Ya’akov, etc.). These Ushpizin are the central figures in Tanach (Jewish scriptures). But what about the other people in Tanach? Do they tell us new personalities?

The answer is ‘no.’ In actuality, the other characters in Tanach have the same seven as the Ushpizin. So the Ushpizin are the primary examples that we learn from and all other characters are just additional manifestations of the seven.

Purim is coming up and, if you look closely, you’ll see that Achashverosh has a very specific personality.

The book of Esther begins with King Achashverosh making a party for all his ministers and servants and the army of Persia and Media, and the nobles and ministers of the 127 provinces in his kingdom. He showed a great deal of his wealth at the party.

But who is this Achashverosh? The Gemara tells us that Achashverosh was once a stable boy. He became king by marrying Vashti who was queen at that time (she inherited the throne because her grandfather was Nevuchadnetzar.) So a stable boy became king because the queen liked him? Do you think that kind of stuff would have happened in the cruel dictatorships of Nevuchadnetzar or Paroh? I think not. Grandpa would not be proud.

And would those two dictators have had 127 different countries under their rule? No way! They would unite them into one big mega-empire! And would they have sent out letters to each of those 127 countries in their own languages like Achashverosh did? I think not! Same thing! I just added a similar question for added affect!

And why would Achashverosh let so many people come into his palace? Wasn’t that dangerous? Isn’t he afraid of everyone infiltrating the capitol and plundering his wealth?

So who is this Achashverosh guy?

The truth is that Achashverosh was a very different ruler than Nevuchadnetzar or Paroh. Rulers like Paroh are Malchus rulers. They rule with an iron fist and dictate every single thing that happens in their empire. But Achashverosh is different. He’s a Yisod. And fortunate for him, the Persian Empire and, consequently, the world, became Yisod-compatible places.

A Yisod is a leader who uses dynamic and innovative means to influence the public. They have new ideas and new ways to improve society. They don’t dictate like Malchus leaders do; they motivate and encourage. They look at people for who they are and they entrust others.

Yisods have natural leadership abilities. They want to work with people and are open to listen to new ideas. They have a certain charm and pizazz. You get excited around them. They draw a crowd and they love influencing other people’s thinking. Achashverosh led the Persian empire in a brand new way.

In other words, Achashverosh is one of the most famous types of Yisod: the Politician.

Achashverosh sent messages to each province in its own language because he wanted them to feel important. He didn’t send an army to destroy them, rather, he tried to work *with* them. He invited so many officers to his palace to wine and dine them and get them on his side. You get more flies with honey than with vinegar. In other words, the political atmosphere in the world changed so that multiculturalism and the type of politics that we have today could be tolerated. A stable boy could become king if had the right ideas and he was a good politician. Achashverosh was the right Yisod in the right place at the right time.

(I’m not sure what Yisods did before this era in history. Maybe they used to hang out with their good buddies the Tiferes people or maybe they just swung business deals and got rich without ever hoping to be in charge of actual countries. But one thing it for sure. They couldn’t have been so happy.)

But, unfortunately for Achashverosh, this openness led to problems. One big problem was paranoia. Achashverosh barricaded himself up in his palace and worried all day about assassination attempts. His openness opened up the door to evil. Little did he know that Haman--the man who he should fear the most--was sitting next to him all along.

But ultimately, his openness to marry Esther saved him because Esther brought her brave heroism and her Uncle Mordechai into the equation. The two heroes ended up being the people who saved the day.

And...speaking of Paroh...hopefully before Pesach I’ll blog a bit about Paroh’s Malchus personality. There’s a lot to say about that and it’ll try to give you some good stuff to say at the Seder.

You should have a fun, festive Purim. Let the Mitzvahs of Purim give you a new openness to reach new heights in your Judaism. Give two foods to two people who you should become better friends with. Listen to the deep lessons of the Megillah. Give Tzedakah money to people who need it.

And may the wine of Purim open you up to connect with other Jews and break down the barriers between you and other people.

Rabbi Bailey

Bailey Blog Update

My computer has been in the shop, so I haven't been able to blog so much lately but I'll give you two updates to keep The Seven Ways blog alive and kicking.



First of all, I finally got to my 10th punch on my card and a free bagel. (I'm not sure if 'Mazel Tov' if appropriate because it isn't really a religious activity, but I did eat the last one on Rosh Chodesh so that does count for *something*, right?) I actually got the puch *again* in a Yisod-type way because I forgot to get a punch *again* and went back and because I was friendly and asked the guy his name he remembered me and gave me the punch. Pretty good, right? It's a good thing when rabbis take their own advice!


And one of our avid readers gave me a card with three punches on it, so thank you readers! Incidentally, I do get a Mazel Tov because I finished the Gemara Kesuvos and we made an amazing Siyum party on Friday night in our apartment. I'm telling you because you should know that Torah is far more important that bagels. ;-)


Also, Yonatan Razel, the Tiferes musician I interviewed a few blogs ago won Song of the Year in the end. That's pretty cool. He won it for the song Tzion, check out that and other songs of his in an online video watching thing (you know what I mean lol) or at your local CD store.


Until next time when I get my computer back, you should have a great healthy week, and I'll keep writing The Seven Ways. I'm actually about half done so pray for me to finish and get a good publishing deal and it'll be in stores before you know it.


Rabbi Bailey

You Need Someone Like You

Have you ever been to a simchat bat? Well, I haven't either. Until recently, that is.

I'm sitting at the end of a long table on the men's side of the small hall. There are about 10 men at my table and we all have various types of bagels and spreads in front of us (it's Friday and it's the morning so the family decided to get lighter food save our stomachs—than you family). The women are behind me on the other side of the room. There are various cute babies and toddlers roaming around. The schmoozing has reached a high peak and the speeches begin.


First, one of the parents of the baby girl speaks. It's their first child and they are both near 40 years old. There are a lot of wet eyes in the house.

After the parent finishes speaking I hear a rumor go around that the father of the mother of the baby girl is going to speak. Now I’ve heard about this man before. I heard that he learned in a very prestigious yeshiva and that he knows tons of Torah. I expect to see a sagely old man with a big white beard and a long coat, with a Gemara in one hand and a thumb wagging in the other. Boy am I wrong.

He is tall and slim, with a snazzy dark green suit and tie and a freshly pressed white shirt. His face is clean shaven—which is rare for a rabbi who is well into his 60s—and his hair is neat and combed. His voice is clear and captivating, yet not overpowering. I can tell after 2 seconds that he is *clearly* a Yisod.

He speaks well, capturing the audiences’ attention. He gives his own innovative interpretation of a Gemara in Niddah and explains why we have a tradition of having a ‘Shalom Zachar” celebration for a boy on the Friday night after he is born and no such tradition for a girl. Because the baby boy is going to have a bris done to him the week after he is born, he needs to be blessed by many people to be healthy and well--hence “Shalom” “completeness” to the “Zachar” “male.” But no such tradition was necessary for a baby girl because she doesn’t receive a bris. But nonetheless, such a party is a wonderful way to celebrate the birth of another fine Jewish daughter entering into the covenant of our people.

I must admit I was very taken back by this rabbi. I looked at him and I literally saw myself in 40 years. I decided to get his number and, after I got the guts to call him, I visited with him and spoke to him on the phone several times. He gave me invaluable advice on being a Yisod rabbi because he himself was involved in Jewish education for over 45 years. We connected on a special level because we have the same personality.

Based on this, I have a new idea for you. I think that everyone needs two types of role models. First, everyone needs a rabbi to take Jewish advice from. He can guide you in the way of the Torah and Jewish law. But it’s important to also have a role model who has your own personality. If you are a Netzach you need Netzach guidance. If you are a Gevurah go out and find a successful, emotionally healthy Gevurah to be your role model. The same is true for all personalities. Each one needs both a rabbi for rabbinic guidance and a role model for personality guidance. That way you can learn from someone who can give you the most accurate advice based on your personality.

For all of you Yisods out there I hope you find someone as special as my new role model. For everyone else, use The Seven Ways to help you find someone with your personal Way and it will make all the difference.

I had a wonderful time at that simchat bat and it’s still the only one I’ve ever been to. Whether you have a boy or a girl, a simchat bat or a bris, a meaty kiddush or a bagel spread you should have Shalom, completeness, health and happiness.

Rabbi Bailey

The Same Thing Over and Over and Over...

I’m sitting with about 50 other men listening to a class by the head of my ordination program HaRav Yitzchak Berkovitz. He’s talking about how Tznius really has to do with self-respect, not just some archaic form of modesty. It’s a class I’ve heard from him at least 3 times before (5 if you count his mp3s that I listen to on the bus). ‘Well,’ I think to myself, ‘should I pull out something else to read so I won’t be bored? Should I go grab a drink?’ It’s really a fight between my good inclination and my evil inclination. I decide to listen to the good one. It pays off.



I’ll tell you why it was a good decision. Though I think I know the class by heart, Rav Berkovitz brings up a source that I didn’t remember from the previous classes. He also builds up the class in a new way that I can imitate when I go out and give the class when I myself am teaching out there one day. But the decision was good for an even more exciting reason; a Seven Ways Netzach reason.



Though Rav Berkovitz has given this class dozens of times—well it’s probably in the hundreds now—he still has the same excitement and fervor as if he is giving it for the first time. When I heard the class as a rookie in my Kollel I though he was giving it for the first time for sure because he had so much enthusiasm. Then I heard it over and over and I can see that he doesn’t get bored and he patiently answers the same questions (often by the same people—go figure that, at least they are consistent in their opinions I guess!). The same class, the same questions. That’s a real teacher. He cares about the students. That’s a true Netzach for you.



I respect my teacher especially because I once had a teacher who was quite the opposite and it irked me a bit. We had a weekly question and answer session with this teacher. I thoroughly enjoyed his answers but, as time went on I noticed something. When we asked questions that people had asked in that class years ago he would say, “Get the tape from 3 years ago I answered it then” or “Get the mini-disc, someone must have it.” (I guess I’m dating myself with the tapes and mini-discs.) What good is a weekly question and answer session without questions and answers? Okay maybe if someone had a new or better question the teacher could pick *that* one and then tell me to listen to the tape from 3 years ago, but sometimes we wouldn’t even have a new question and he’d cancel the class! And aren’t some classes so essential that each new incoming class just *has* to hear them? Well to the head of my ordination program, some topics are really essential and he keeps on teaching them year after year after year. I admire that.



And it’s a great lesson for us, too. Whether we are teachers or parents; whether we are teaching students the same lesson for 50 years or children the same lesson for 50 weeks in a row we must be patient. Education’s primary concern is for the recipient. Like the Gemara in Eruvin 54b with R' Pereida who had a student who needed to have a lesson repeated 400 times in order for him to learn it properly. Just when you thought *that* was patience the Gemara brings another story.

Once, the student still didn't understand after the 400th time, and the student explained it was because he had heard R' Pereida say that he would have to leave for a Mitzvah sometime in the middle of the class, so the student had his mind on R' Pereida having to leave and couldn’t concentrate on the lesson. R' Pereida then sat and taught him the lesson 400 more times. A divine voice emerged and offered R' Pereida 400 years of extra life, or merit for the next world for his generation. R' Pereida took the latter, and so G-d gave him both. (Okay maybe you'll say that the 400 is hyperbole, but at least the Gemara means *a lot*.)


And the staying excited part of teaching comes from Rashi on “And it will be if you listen to my Mitzvos that I command you *today* ” in the Shema, “[The commandments] should be new to you as if you heard them *today*” (Devarim 11:13). Give over the lesson as if you just heard it and it's still fresh and electrifying.


Each and every student has gained from hearing this class from the head of my Kollel and I’m benefiting from hearing it a sixth time. I’m also glad that Rav Berkovitz will be patient enough to teach me one day for my seventh. Until then, we should try and emulate the Netzach’s patience and keep the electricity flowing through your veins. That way your students will be enlightened.